All our services are free and confidential. What Is Dating Violence? Hotline Shelter Court Advocacy Support Groups Counseling Referrals A healthy relationship is built on equality, respect, and trust. In a positive relationship each partner wants the other to grow and be happy, to explore his or her unique interests and to share responsibility for making decisions. Dating violence is the physical, emotional and/or verbal abuse of one partner by the other partner in a current or former dating relationship. Abusive behavior is any act carried out by one partner aimed at hurting or controlling the other. Dating violence happens in male/female relationships as well as in lesbian and gay relationships. A violent relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Violence is about power and control. When someone uses abuse and violence against you, it is always part of a larger pattern to try and control you. Even though most people think that violence in relationships happens only between married persons, the same kind of violence also happens between people who are dating regardless of their sexual orientation. Even if you are not being hurt physically, verbal and emotional abuse are just as painful and often lead to physical violence. Violent acts include: Emotional Abuse - harms the person's self esteem or causes shame Examples: repeated lies; broken promises; withholding affection; jealousy so extreme that it keeps a partner away from friends or interests;insults and put-downs; threats against a person's safety; controlling a person's every move, including how to dress, what to eat, where to go; Physical Abuse - causes physical pain or injury. Examples: punching, kicking, or slapping,shaking, pushing or grabbing hard enough to cause discomfort; attacking with a knife, gun or other weapon; any physical act that is unwanted or hurtful - even tickling or hugging if it is unwanted; Sexual Abuse - is any kind of unwanted sexual advance or contact. It can include everything from unwelcome sexual comments to kissing to intercourse. Forced sexual intercourse between two people who know each other is called "date rape." In any abusive relationship, the victim is often afraid to leave or end the relationship. Some of the reasons for this include: Fear that a partner will threaten to hurt him or herself if the other decides to leave. Fear that the abuser will make good on threats to hurt the victim if s/he decides to leave. Fear that the violence will get worse if the partner decides to leave. Concern about losing friends or social status if the relationship ends. Fear that parents will react violently if they are aware of the abuse. Return to top of page   Is Your Relationship Abusive? Does your boyfriend/girlfriend: Act very jealous or possessive? Try to keep you from having other friends? Tell you what you can and can't wear? Get too serious about the relationship too fast? Blame you when he/she mistreats you? Tell you that you provoked his/her anger? Refuse to accept responsibility for his/her actions? Threaten to or uses a weapon against you or someone you love? Have an explosive temper? Have a history of fighting, animal abuse, bragging about mistreating others? Put you down or say things to purposefully hurt your feelings? Pressure you for sex? Pressure you to use alcohol or other drugs? Make you call and check in constantly, or check to see who called you? Text you constantly? Hit, push, kick, or otherwise physically hurt you? Refuse to let you break up? Threaten to hurt you if you break up? Threaten suicide if you end the relationship? Threaten to harm you ? Want to spend every minute together? These are all signs that you may be in an abusive relationship. If you are afraid of the person you're dating or are trying to avoid his/her anger, you may be in an abusive relationship. Return to top of page   Normal Conflict Sometimes couples have disagreements and arguments. That's a normal part of any relationship. But if your arguments turn hurtful or violent, your relationship might be abusive. Return to top of page   You Deserve A Healthy Relationship Healthy relationships include: Respecting each other. Valuing your differences. Encouraging each other to have interests and friends outside of the relationship. Each of you getting your way some of the time. Both of you compromising some of the time. Dating and being in a relationship shouldn't hurt or feel bad. Everyone deserves to be loved and cared about without being hurt. Return to top of page   Jealously Doesn't Equal Love It may feel good to know someone cares enough about you to be jealous. We all get a little jealous from time to time. Jealousy is not a sign of love. It is a sign of insecurity. When a person is jealous all the time or tries to control your behavior because of jealousy, there is a problem. Return to top of page   Abuse Is Not The Victim's Fault People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. They may be afraid to leave. They may feel pressure from friends or family. They may think the abuser will change. Sometimes when you are being abused, it's hard to see a way out. Return to top of page   Is Your Friend A Victim of Abuse? If you think a friend is the victim of relationship violence, you can help. Listen. This might be the single most important and helpful thing that you can do. Let them talk without interruption or judgment. Believe what your friend tells you. Know the warning signs of dating violence. Tell your friend what you see happening and that you'd like to help. Protect your friend's privacy! Respect your friend's right to keep the situation confidential. Understand that it is not your decision and that you cannot 'rescue' your friend. Get advice from experts on dating violence and encourage your friend to do the same. Offer to be there for your friend, no matter what decision your friend makes about the relationship. Don't take it personally if your friend gets angry with you or refuses your help. A victim of abuse is often very frightened of reaching out or of admitting the problem. Tell another person -- a trustworthy friend, a relative, a teacher, a counselor. Help your friend make a safety plan.   Dating Safety Plan Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a new person. Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in. Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely. Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships. Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation. From the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc.   Safety Planning for Teens You should think ahead about ways to be safe if you are in a dangerous or potentially dangerous relationship. Here are some things to consider in designing your own safety plan. What adults can you tell about the violence and abuse? What people at school can you tell in order to be safe--teachers, principal, counselors, security? Consider changing your school locker or lock. Consider changing your route to/from school. Use a buddy system for going to school, classes, and after school activities. What friends can you tell to help you remain safe? If stranded, who could you call for a ride home? Keep a journal describing the abuse. Get rid of or change the number to any beepers, pagers or cell phones the abuser gave you. Keep spare change, calling cards, number of the local shelter, number of someone who could help you and restraining orders with you at all times. Where could you go quickly to get away from an abusive person? What other things can you do? Return to top of page

The information on this website is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.

Women Are Safe, Inc., does not discriminate in regard to sex, race, religion, sexual orientation, national origin, disability, age, or marital status. All of our services are free. The program receives funding from United Way, from the Community Foundation of Middle Tennessee, and from the Gannett Foundation through The Tennessean. This program is partially funded under an agreement with the State of Tennessee, Department of Finance and Administration, Office of Criminal Justice Programs. Points of view or opinions contained within this document are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the official position or policies of the Department of Justice.