How Family & Friends Can Help Victims
If you have never been in an abusive situation yourself, it is difficult to understand why someone stays in an abusive relationship. It may appear that leaving is the only smart thing to do or that the victim is stupid for staying or even that the abuse is somehow her fault.

It is important for friends and family to understand that leaving an abusive partner is harder than it seems. There are many reasons why it may be so hard to leave. In addition to all of these reasons, the abuse may continue or get worse if she leaves.

• Do not blame her. Don't make her feel that she is weak, stupid, or guilty for not ending the relationship.
• Focus on her safety. Whether or not she decides to stay, help her build a safety plan.

Let Her Know You Care

You may feel that domestic abuse is a private matter and that you should not interfere. Remember -- domestic violence is a crime. It may be embarrassing to discuss it with your friend. She may reject your offers of help or even get angry at you and deny that she is being abused. She may be afraid to talk about it or she may feel ashamed.

Don't force the victim to talk if she is not ready for that, but let her know that YOU will ALWAYS be there to listen if she needs you. Listen to what she says without judging her and then respect her decision.

• Listen to what she has to say.
• Believe what she tells you. Victims are much more likely to cover up or downplay the abuse, rather than to make it up or exaggerate. You might find it hard to imagine someone you know could behave abusively, but remember -- abusers are expert manipulators.
• Take the abuse seriously. Don't underestimate the danger she may be in.
• Help her to recognise the abuse and understand how it may be affecting her or her children.
• Tell her you think she has been brave in being able to talk about the abuse, and in being able to keep going despite the abuse.
• Help to build her confidence in herself.
• Help her to understand that the abuse is not her fault and that no one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do.
• Help her to protect herself. Talk to her about ways she can protect herself.
• Help her to think about what she can do and see how you can help her to achieve it.
• Respect her right to make her own decisions, even if you don't agree with them. Respect her cultural or religious values and beliefs.
• Maintain some level of regular contact with her. Having an opportunity to talk regularly to a supportive friend or relative can be very important.
• Find out about Orders of Protection and other legal options available and pass this information on to her if she wants it.
• Keep supporting her after she has left the relationship. The period of separation could be a dangerous time for her, as the abuse may increase. She may need practical support and encouragement to help her establish a new life and recover from the abuse. She could also seek counselling or join a support group.

What Not To Do

• Don't blame her for the abuse or ask questions like 'what did you do to make him to treat you like that?' or 'why do you put up with it?', or 'how can you still be in love with him?' These questions suggest that it is somehow her fault.
• Don't keep trying to work out the reasons for the abuse. Concentrate on supporting the person who is being abused.
• Don't be critical if she says she still loves her partner, or if she leaves but then returns to the relationship. Leaving an abusive partner takes time, and your support is really important.
• Don't criticise her partner. Criticise the abusive behavior and let her know that no-one has the right to abuse her. Criticism of her partner is only likely to make her want to defend him or her.
• Don't give advice or tell her what you would do. This will only reduce her confidence to make her own decisions. Listen to her and give her information, not advice.
• Don't pressure her to leave. Focus on listening and supporting her to make her own decisions. She knows her own situation best.

How To Deal With The Abuser

Don't put yourself in danger! Don't try to intervene directly if you witness a person being assaulted - call the police instead.

If the abuser is your friend or relative, you may feel caught in the middle. It is important to understand that if you approach the person who is abusive, he or she may:

• tell you to 'mind your own business'
• deny the abuse
• make it seem like it's 'not that bad', or that it only happened once
• make it seem like it's the other person's fault, or that it's her behaviour that's the problem
• say that they couldn't help themselves, they were drunk, just 'snapped', or 'lost control'.

It is common for an abuser to deny or minimize the abuse.

If you do observe abuse, and you feel safe or able to, talk about the behaviour you have observed. For example 'You are both my friends, but I think the way you criticise and intimidate her is wrong'. But if you only know about the abuse because the victim has talked to you about it, check with her first before saying anything to her partner. Her partner could become more abusive to her if he thinks she has told someone.

Protecting Yourself

Supporting a friend or relative who is being abused can be frustrating, frightening and stressful. You need to look after yourself and to get support too.

Remember that letting her know you're frustrated or disappointed will not help her, and may only make things worse. Don't give up on her, regardless of her decisions. Explain your fears, but let her know you will still support her. Remind yourself that your support is important, and will have a positive impact on her, even if she can't express this now. Don't underestimate the value of your support.

You may feel afraid or 'out of your depth' Get some support for yourself. Talk to other friends or contact a domestic violence organization for information on what you can do.

Don't feel pressured to give help more than you are able. Be honest about the amount and type of support you can offer. Don't push yourself beyond your own limits - you can only fully support her if you look after yourself too. Remember that you are not responsible for the abuse, and you cannot rescue her.

The information on this website is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.