It is a common misconception that abusive partners have an anger
management problem. As an advocate I hear many people say of abusers, “he
has a problem with anger.” Many victims state that, “he just got mad” or, “he lost
control of his temper”. However, domestic violence isn’t about anger. It’s about
power and control. To illustrate this point, here is an example of an anger
problem: I have a bad day at work and throw my stapler at the wall. That is an
anger problem because I have grabbed the first thing within my reach and used it
to release my aggression. Now, an example of domestic violence: I have a bad
day at work. I put my stapler in my briefcase. I go home and throw the stapler at
my partner and blame her for my bad day. That is a domestic violence problem
because I have used my bad day as an excuse to abuse my partner and exercise
control my over her.

When a person is convicted of domestic violence, the courts can mandate
that he attend classes. State certified domestic violence intervention classes are
26 weeks and address all domestic violence issues with intimate partners. In
contrast, Anger Management is 8 hours and addresses only anger issues. When
an abuser assaults his intimate partner and is incorrectly mandated to anger
management classes, the victim is put in more danger and the assault is
minimized. Sadly this is often the case. However as advocates, we also have to
remind victims that domestic violence classes are not the cure-all to the
complicated issues involved in abusive relationships. It is only the beginning of
the help they need.

The legal system has the responsibility to mandate the correct classes for
the crime committed. By continuing to treat domestic violence as an anger
problem, the power and control issues are never addressed and the violence
continues. Protecting the victim is priority! Failing to hold domestic violence
offenders accountable for their actions is a failure to our society.
Women Are Safe, Inc. has support groups for victims of domestic
violence. To find out more about support groups please call our office 729-9885.
We also have a 24hr crisis helpline at 729-5730 or 1-800-470-1117. If you or
someone you know is in a domestic violence situation, there is help available.
Please call.

I saw an interesting program on TV the other night. It was called Together: Stop Violence Against Women . It was hosted by a man and a woman. It addressed domestic violence and rape – 4 personal accounts were given by the women themselves. It was good to see Jackson Katz – one of America’s leading anti-sexist male activists – on the program if only in little blips.

Perhaps little by little society is gradually getting the message that there is so much more behind domestic violence than the obvious black eyes, rapes, etc. There’s an attitude that says I can do this because I know nobody will hold me accountable. I work in the court system and I must admit that batterers being held accountable for their actions rarely happens to the extent that promotes permanent change in their future actions. Jackson Katz promotes educating men of character how to hold abusers accountable. Since the majority of batterers don’t end up in court, positive male peer pressure is definitely the more logical and effective way to hold batterers accountable for their actions.

So, would you like to know what kind of documentary I would like to see on TV? -- One that gives the personal accounts of battering from the son’s point of view – the son now grown. Maybe then people would see more clearly that violence against women isn’t miraculously confined to just women. Its domino effect influences innocent boys and men in the immediate and extended family, workplace, school system, churches . . . the entire community! If a child gets no help in dealing with the emotional baggage domestic violence dumps on him then relationships in every area of his life will suffer. All too often another batterer emerges from this emotional chaos.

Something I heard on the news just a few days ago illustrates this dumping effect. An ex-boyfriend murdered his ex-girlfriend by shooting her in the head right in front of her two children in their own home. How long will it take these children to “get over” what they saw? Never! It will be with them their entire lives. The people now raising these children – they will be dealing with some major emotional baggage. The community mental health facility will hopefully have a counselor able to help these children work thru their trauma but that’s only if someone has the money to pay for the counseling. What about the teachers who are going to be dealing with these kids in school? What about any relationships these children will have now and throughout their adult life?

My son recently told me about a friend of his at college whose girlfriend was the victim of a murder-suicide. See, good guys are affected by the violence of batterers too. So what if a man’s disrespectful words or actions toward a woman were countered by others the moment they happened? What if good guys were the first wave of accountability batterers had to encounter? Wouldn’t a man listen to a friend he respects more seriously than some woman he doesn’t even know (and definitely doesn’t respect)?

Positive adult peer pressure could sure save a lot of people – not just women -- from experiencing the devastation of domestic violence. ~ MJ

Hi i know u guys know me. I have visited ur website and i feel some what encourage to suggest to u how about a page designated to ur success stories for a blog maybe just a suggestion. I don't know what i would have ever done without knowing u guys were always there all 9 times or more i was at the shelter for the animaliztic ways of my abuser and the conditions i allowed myself to live in. I can't count the times mary pick me up at the police station. I will never forget the very first time i met rhoni. It was at the court house .she was trying to give me options to my sitiuation. I wouldn't even look at her. U know what kind of fear a women has when she can't even look into the eyes of another women .

That day i fear her not as if we were going to battle the fear was she had everything to do with my future .i feared my own future. I was terrified of my own life and future. I feared her and everyone. Rhoni i feared the most . No family to turn to but yet this women was talking to me . Even though i knew what she was saying was true . The fear of what would happen to me was enough to want me to just leave the situation and never see rhoni again but that didn't happen not long afterward i was in the shelter.

I did things to make me . So i would not think. I let others make desisions for me run my life . Take my will and i saw no light at the tunnel because my mind was clouded with addiction problems my future i couldn't bear it. But at the same time i couldn't bear anymore abuse from my abuser and abuse from his family..

I remember one time while at the shelter . It was chreistmas i bought some cold medince 3 bottles i drank them so i couldn't think because i was afraid of what my future was going to be . I was pretty hopeless and rhoni and mary gave me 3 days to find a treatment center for my addiction of alchol. I found one in a day in a half. I found a one in louisville kentucky. I didn't know at the time i had 1200.00 dollars in the bank. So rhoni and i drove to dickson so i could get a motel and a bus ticket to kentucky . The bank told us they would stay open a few minutes and wait for us. Little did i know my abuser had a blank check. I learned while at the treatment center my abuser went through the bank 5 minutes after rhoni and i were there. He filled out the blank check tryed to cash it but rhoni and i were there first. I thank god that day i said my first meanfulingly prayer to god as well.…



U see i allowed myself to be in the situation with my abusers and his family. I allowed these things these terrible things to happen to me . Why did i allow it? Because it was the only life i knew all my life ans the fear. I spent mor etime in about 4 halfway houses in nashville and the madison area. . There was no progress in my life and no bettering myself . I just didn't know how. But i learned.as the years have gone by i have learned alot about me my likes my dislikes i utilized my time from 2002 til the present 2007 to learn a whole new way of life.

I know in my mind now why i feared rhoni . She has play a very big part of my life and doing well and still progressing . Little did i know that women influenced me and impacted my life in such a way. Now it is like night and day. My old life was night and now it is day light now….

There is hope . As long as there is people like women are safe there impact on others is something to uphold and see for your self. They r all my heros all of them . U see the fear was there all my life. But now i fear nothing . I choose my people i want around me . I have the power to make things happen in my life . Women are safe gave me power i never new i could succeed like this….

There is not enough time in a day to do all the things i want to do with my time. I hope this long and drawn out story is read by some poor women who has that same fear i had. Fear of what is going to happen to me? That is the fear. Now i know everyday what my life will be like. The people who cross ur path do so for a reason remeber we never met people by accident. Women are safe is no accidnet if they cross ur path . I suggest u open ur door let then in. To ur heart and guide u to do what is best for ur situation . I urge u to listen to every word spoken.. Think of ways to make ur situation better. Let the maddness stop. Before ur life is taken change ur course in history take charge of ur life and for the mental health of ur children do what u must do to make there little lives less stressful. Ur reaction to ur situation will be viewed by ur children . How u react is how they will react. Be honest with urself and others. Don't hide things and speak ur mind. Ask questions on what can u do for ur self and or urself and ur littleones. Find out about ur options and the repercussions to ur options always know them. I can't count the times i din't tell rhoni im going back . And everytime i went back. Nothing changed ever, things that were at there worst in 2002 became in 2007 a sucess i had to work at it to succeed everyday i wanna learn something interesting. I want to braoden my mind. The repercusssions of leaving the shelter and going back to ur abuser will not change nothing. And guess what nothing is accomplished he doesn't change. The abuse begans just were it may have left off . Oh u might get a flower . Or two . Beware he is buttering up for the kill. And u may this time lose ur life maybe in front of ur children. Its up to u to change ur way of life as u know it. Turn ur fear to ur advantage use it . I did. No im not a rocket sciencetist. But i know the fear and pain and the nothing changes . If u never remmeber nothing remeber this. U put nothing in something u get nothing. U r puting all ur energy in a abuseive relationship. It doesn't get better it get wosre. And nothing changes.make thos nessarry changes for ur better good and experience and get to know urself go out on a limb so to speak do something differnet because ur way doin't work . I hope this makes sense. And maybe if u wanna post it u may edited this for me . Im not the greatest speller. And it is hard fo rme to put into words how my life was and now. Now my life is great . Im the captain of my own destiny and i take charge and responsibility for me and my actions.and my life now. Its the hardest thing u will ever do but use the fear and just do it make a differnece in ur life make changes just do it. And women are safe r there for u every step of the way.

My favorite person is rhoni she inspires me mary inspires the gracfulness in me. Paula inspires power in me mary jo inspired calmness in me. And cory inspired me to make myself pretty . With a nice hair cut and a litlle makeup. Im a beatuiful women. I just discovered im beautiful . Contary to what my mother taught me . She said i was ugly. Im 52 years old amd i realize at 52 im beautiful and good inside and out. But i changed made an about face. To some its unbelieveable to others they knew i had it in me i needed struture and encouragement without pregudice and women are safe done there job. Im a survior. U can be too . There r many stories like mine but mine is unique i feel i self made a whole new person. Who has a brain . Is beautiful and has a life of learning. And a life time of experiences good and bad….

Thank u for letting me say this to u. It may have not been approiate but i must give credit where it due. I have u to thank "women are safe" ilove u and i love what u have done for me. Everything that ever happen happen for my own good. I wanna read some success stories. Surely they r out there…. I love u with all my heart. I shall continue to improve my life more and more. . I couldn't have done it without u.

J

By Ben Atherton-Zeman, December 20, 2006



“Problem Solved,” reads the T-shirt. The cartoon above features stick figure drawings of a male and a female. In the first frame, the female is talking excitedly to the male – in the second, he has pushed her through the wall of the frame. She is falling to her doom – he is smiling. “Problem solved.”



Worse yet, the T-shirt is a children’s shirt. According to the Kennebec Journal, shopper Kristin Aiello told the Augusta, Maine K-Mart store manager that the message on the shirt was offensive (http://kennebecjournal.mainetoday.com/news/local/3429020.html - the article has a photo of the shirt). The manager promptly removed the T-shirts last Tuesday.



Surely, this should have ended the matter. Every twelve seconds in the United States, a man abuses the woman he has promised to love. Every two minutes, a man rapes a woman – usually a woman he knows. Men’s violence against women is supported by societal attitudes that reduce women’s voices to objects of irritation. Silencing women is very much a part of committing violence against them. Violence against women is not funny – least of all to those millions of women who experience it.



In an abrupt reversal, however, K-Mart’s corporate offices changed the store manager’s decision. The Journal article quotes Kimberly Freely, manager of corporate relations for Sears Holdings Corporation. Freely said the Augusta K-mart was putting the shirts back on the shelves - Sears Holdings Corporation believes “these attitude Ts are meant to be light-hearted in nature.”



Light-hearted? No matter what the intent of the shirt, the effect is to minimize and condone men’s violence. K-Mart’s reversal of the store manager’s decision deliberately undermines their history of philanthropy and commitment to agencies dedicated to preventing violence against women. Their decision undermines all who work to stop such violence.



Many men (myself included) find it difficult to seriously listen to women. We tend to become defensive. After all, we are socialized to be the “top dog,” the one in charge of the relationship. If we listen to women, our authority might be undermined, whether in our personal relationship or in the world. If we listen to women, we might have to acknowledge the sexism and violence that women suffer – that our gender perpetrates. If we listen to women, we may have to be accountable for our own actions, for our own sexism, for our own privilege – for our own violence.



It’s so much easier to just make women the butt of the joke.



I use humor to educate about violence against women. Humor can be used to reduce an audience’s defensiveness when it comes to learning and accepting difficult material.



Humor can also be used as a club. It can be used to avoid responsibility – “Can’t you take a joke?” Humor can be used to silence targets of oppression: women, people of color, Jews, GLBTQ folks, etc. And it can allow men, whites, Gentiles, heterosexuals and others to continue to ignore our privilege, and ignore the violence that our group perpetrates.



The “problem” in this T-shirt is defined as the woman speaking – the “solution” is to commit violence against her until she “shuts up.”



What about the real problems of violence? Of sexism? Of woman-hating? Of homophobia and racism? If only a simple, tasteless joke would cause these real problems to “just shut up.”



I have one idea towards “solving”: vote with our holiday spending dollars. Don’t shop at K-Mart these last few days of the holiday shopping season.



Instead, support businesses that work to end men’s violence against women. Buy their products, whether it be New Moon Publishing http://www.newmooncatalog.com/, Donnelly/Colt http://www.donnellycolt.com/catalog/core.shtml or the Syracuse Cultural Workers http://www.syrculturalworkers.com/. There are many progressive companies that support these issues.



My calls to Sears Holdings Company have gone unreturned. My call to my local K-Mart was much more illuminating – they had previously stocked the offensive T-shirt, but were not doing so at present. I asked if this was because the shirt was so offensive – “Oh, God, no!” the worker replied. “We just ran out. We’ll be getting more.”



I’m not spending a penny at any K-Mart or any Sears until they remove their shirts and apologize for their mistake.



Problem solved.



Ben Atherton-Zeman performs a one-man play, “Voices of Men,” which uses humor to educate about men’s violence against women. He can be reached at benazeman@hotmail.com, or http://www.voicesofmen.org.



If you’d like to reach K-Mart, go to their website http://www.K-Mart.com/custserv/contact_us.jsp and fill out their Customer Comment form.


Until the violence stops, Ben.



Ben Atherton-Zeman, Acton MA USA
Actor, Comedian, Feminist and Husband
Presenting a One-Man Play: "Voices of Men," www.voicesofmen.org (video clips take a second to load)
Booking information: 978-263-3254



]

While reading Gavin De Becker’s book Gift of Fear I came across a section that helps people understand why someone being battered doesn’t leave. Here it is:

“How could someone feel that being beaten does not justify leaving? Being struck and forced not to resist is a particularly damaging form of abuse because it trains out of the victim the instinctive reaction to protect the self. To override that most natural and central instinct, a person must come to believe that he or she is not worth protecting. Being beaten by a “loved one” sets up a conflict between two instincts that should never compete: the instinct to stay in a secure environment (the family) and the instinct to flee a dangerous environment. As if on a seesaw, the instinct to stay prevails in the absence of concrete options on the other side. Getting that lopsided seesaw off the ground takes more energy than many victims have.

No amount of logic can usually move a battered woman, so persuasion requires emotional leverage, not statistics or moral arguments. In may many efforts to convince women to leave violent relationships, I have see their fear and resistance firsthand. I recall a long talk with Janine, a thirty-three-year-old mother of two who showed me photos the police had taken of her injuries after one of the frequent beatings she received. She was eager to tell me about her husband’s abuse but just as eager to make excuses for him. Though the most recent beating had left her with three broken ribs, she was going back to him again. I asked her what she would do if her teenage daughter was beaten up by a boyfriend. “Well, I’d probably kill the guy, but one thing’s for sure: I’d tell her she could never see him again.”

“What is the difference between you and your daughter?” I asked. Janine, who had a fast explanation for every aspect of her husband’s behavior, had no answer for her own, so I offered her one: “The difference is that your daughter has you—and you don’t have you. If you don’t get out soon, your daughter won’t have you either.” This was resonant to Janine because of its truth: She really didn’t have a part of herself, the self-protective part. She had come out of her own childhood with it already shaken, and her husband had beaten it out completely. She did, however, retain the instinct to protect her children, and it was for them that she was finally able to leave.

He also states later on – I believe it is critical for a woman to view staying as a choice, for only then can leaving be viewed as a choice and an option.

If you haven’t read The Gift of Fear – I highly recommend it to you. It addresses many dangerous situations besides domestic violence, such as child molesters, stranger violence, work place violence, etc.